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I received this in an email. It might even be true.
English teachers across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published annually, to the amusement of our teachers. Here are last year’s winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 PM instead of 7:30.
13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph.
14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18. Shots rang out as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
One of the best things about being retired is the ability to pretty much do what I want. One of the things I enjoy doing is playing video games. It’s actually cheap entertainment.
My favorite game right now is Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Vegas 2 ™. I like it a lot more than the original RB6V (which I loved).
I like the fact that you still get points even if you lose a Terrorist Hunt.
I like the concept of the A.C.E.S. points.
I like the way you can drop into a game already in progress.
I wish they would have included a compass in the game to facilitate giving directions to your teammates.
If you’re on Xbox Live, give me a shout.
Retired Geezer = RetiredGeezer_1
>Two of my grandkids from California visited us for three weeks this summer.
We played a lot of RockBand ™, on the Xbox-360.
We got to be pretty good in the online competition. Out of 99,000 ranked bands, we placed in the top 100 on the Leaderboard with several songs. Two of the songs we played actually made it into the Top 20.
Since we are mostly from the Spud State, we call our band “Spudders”.
Three generations are represented here: Mrs. Geezer is standing with Donovan, Trish (my daughter) and Steve. I’m in the front row with Stevie.
Everybody plays all the instruments but usually Mrs. Geezer and I sing or play Bass, Trish and Donovan trade Drum duties while Steve and Stevie are our Guitar players. Stevie is only 8 but she plays guitar on the Expert level.
Yes, I am the Weakest Link.
Steve took the group picture of us and Photoshopped it in front of one of the many pictures I have taken of the power poles by our house.
RockBand is a great game for families but some of the songs have PG-rated lyrics.
*The title of this post comes from the famous recording of Mr. Paul Anka reaming out his band and the stagehands.
Full Disclosure: I was Paul Anka’s Lightman on 3 separate road tours in the U.S. and Canada.
UPDATE: Congratulations to Steve and Trish. They have completed the Endless Setlist: 58 songs in a row without stopping. They got Five Stars on every song. It took about 6 hours of playing.
OK, I thought this was pretty neat. This is my first post since Mother’s Day.
Thanks to my buddy Herman in Henderson.
>Yeah, I know, I’m about 360 days early for Mother’s Day. That’s just how I roll.
The Daughter and her fiance came over Sunday and fixed a delicious dinner for us, wine included. They also brought Guitar Hero III. Mrs. Geezer doesn’t play many video games but she enjoyed playing this.
At first my daughter worked the strum bar and Mrs. G worked the frets.
Then it was time to Rock Solo!
>Mitt Romney’s Top Ten Reasons he dropped out of the race:
No. 10: There weren’t as many Osmonds as he thought.
No. 9: Got tired of the corkscrew landings of his campaign plane while under fire
No. 8: As a lifelong hunter, I didn’t want to miss the start of varmint season.
No. 7: There wasn’t room for two Christian leaders in the presidential race
No. 6: I’d rather get fat, grow a beard and try for the Nobel prize.
No. 5: Got tired of wearing a dark suit and tie, and I wanted to kick back in a light colored suit and tie.
No. 4: When his wife realized he couldn’t win the GOP nomination, my fundraising dried up.
No. 2: I took a bad fall at a campaign rally and broke my hair.
No. 1: His campaign relied on a flawed campaign strategy that as Utah goes, so goes the nation.”
Funny Stuff. I would have voted for him.
Read the rest at Michelle Malkin:
The best tribute to Moment of Truth comes from Yon’s publisher:
I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER TO PUBLISH A BOOK.
Michael Yon changed my mind about the war in Iraq, by making me understand it for the first time.
From the very beginning I was against the war. I thought it would be a disaster, another Vietnam. And until I had the privilege of working on this book with Michael I was always for immediate pull-out: why should one more American die for a doomed effort?
Michael–who is as close to totally non-political as anyone I know–showed me two things. First, because I judged by Vietnam, the war of my youth, I had radically underestimated what American soldiers could do. ***
I was 100 percent wrong. Today’s American soldiers excel at counterinsurgency, because they excel at the most important thing: winning over the people by inspiring them with their own courage and compassion, discipline and determination. ***
Just wait until you read the Chapter “High Noon” (my favorite), the story of the American soldiers who have to arrest a corrupt but politically popular Iraqi police chief we had put in office in the first place because he had been a real hero in fighting the terrorists. He had to be removed by Americans to show the Iraqis we really did believe in the rule of law. The whole thing could have blown up into a one-town civil war with hundreds dead on both sides. Won’t tell you how it ends, but you will be amazed and very proud.
I am convinced that everything I once thought about the war was wrong. The truth is we are doing a great thing in Iraq, most of the Iraqi people really do want to be a united democratic nation and already consider America their greatest friend and ally. It would be a crime to turn tail now and abandon them now.
I owe all that to Michael’s book, which is why I believe publishing Moment of Truth in Iraq may be the best thing I have ever done for my country.
I’m going to buy Michael Yon’s book. You should too.
Cathy, over at Innocent Bystanders, posted something that reminded me of my Stage Lighting Days in Las Vegas.
I have fond memories of Wally Eastwood, who billed himself as the Fastest Juggler on Earth. He taught me how to juggle 5 balls and 4 clubs. Nope, I can’t do it today, juggling is something you have to practice to keep your skilz. I can still juggle 4 balls or 3 clubs pretty good though.
One of my prized possessions is the 3 professional juggling clubs that Wally gave me. He even autographed them.
Mrs. Geezer and I attended his wedding in Vegas. He’s a really nice guy who married a very sweet girl. They have twin daughters, who he brags about during his shows.
Do a YouTube search for Fast Wally to see more of him.
Here’s Mrs. G, holding the clubs over her latest Stained Glass project. It’s a 45 x 33 window that will recreate a photograph that her client took in New Zealand.
The top photo of Wally was taken by R. Scott Hooper. He has done a lot of photography for Playboy. Go check out his excellent photos.
>Wow, this is awesome!
It can carry 340 pounds and can climb through rubble.
>Flyin’ Brian used to fly the CALSTAR (CALifornia Shock Trauma Air Rescue) Flight-for-Life helicopter in Lake Tahoe, Nevada.
It was a Bolkow BO-105. He said it was a sturdy, powerful helicopter and fun to fly.
Here he is landing on the little cart that they use to move the helicopter inside the hanger, to keep it warm for easy starting.
We visited the base in Tahoe and were treated to a ride over the lake.
>Happy Easter. Seems like I ought to post something.
This is one of my favorite Christian songs from the 70’s. We actually got to see First Call live in Las Vegas.
About a year ago, my friend told me about a person he met at work who was from Africa. Somehow the song came up (my friend knew most of the words, as do I) This casual connection resulted in the guy and his family coming to our church.
Doug Savage draws some pretty funny cartoons, all on Post-It notes.
You should go check out the rest of his stuff.